Dear Hollywood,
In recent years I have noticed that we both like superheroes very much. I enjoy reading comics starring people who have powers other people can only dream of, while you like to make movies about them. I appreciate that very much. Most comics look great, but there's nothing like seeing my favorite heroes in action, helped by all that money you pump into the movie versions. I loved seeing Superman fly through the sky last summer to catch that space shuttle before it would hit earth. It looked really kick-ass, just like the rest of the movie, and I was really proud of what you had done with it. In the past you liked to have your own way with my favorite heroes, adding elements that weren't in the books, but which you thought were cool. I know I can sometimes be a real pain when I'm defending the original vision of the creators of these heroes, but you have to admit that your version of Catwoman looked like you had your ten year old nephew design the new outfit for her.
Since you have so many new superhero-movies planned for us, I thought I would write you this letter to give you a few tips on making a really good superhero movie, you know, without pissing off the fans. I know you're a bit scared by the fans sometimes, but if you would just humour us a bit more, you will find that we are not that bad at all. Hey, if you make the movies really special, I promise you that we will even go see them more than once and buy the DVD. Do we have a deal?
Okay, here are my tips:
1. Read the comic before you start making the movie!
I know that it can be tempting. With all those superhero movies making so much money, how can you resist making more? It does not really help, however, if you just randomly pick the superheroes that you think are the coollest, without knowing much beforehand, other than the fact that the hero has superpowers and his books get bought a lot. If you know beforehand what you are getting yourselves into, you are better prepared to turn the movie into something great, and not just a superhero movie that feels exactly like every other superhero movie out there.
2. Let your screenwriter read the comic!
This ons is even more important than the first one. I know that the studio and the director mess with the script as much as they want, but the screenwriter is the guy who has to build the foundation. If he does not know what he is writing about, how is anybody else involved with the movie going to know? Why not let them read every book ever made about a certain superhero, so that he can look for the best storylines to make into a movie? It's not like he is going to complain. Who wouldn't want to make money reading comic books all day? I would! Hey, here's a thought: why not let the screenwriter have a few talks with the people who write the comic? Or let them work together?
3. Don't change too much!
Let's say that you have read the comics, and that your screenwriter has also read the comics. There's a chance that you now get ideas that don't have anything to do with the real comic, but which you think would be 'cool'. Don't. You have no idea what is cool. If there's a superhero out there who is loved by the fans, and whose books fly off the shelves, then that is a cool superhero. That knowledge should be enough for you. Don't try to change the secret recipe that makes the hero so cool. It just pisses everybody off.
4. Hire directors who love the comic, or who at least know more than: 'He's a guy in a spandex outfit'
Maybe you are shrugging your shoulders now and wondering why I'm making such a fuss, but if you have a director who is passionate about the characters, you most of the times have a great movie. Better yet: a great movie that will make you a lot of money! Look at Batman Begins. Or the X-Men movies. And if you don't believe me: look at Catwoman!
5. Let your actors read at least a few years of issues
Maybe you are thinking now: "Why would they? They can read the script!" But since we both know that character development is something you don't like to see in a superhero movie, it might be a good idea if you let the actors at least get an idea of where a character is coming from, and what his real motivation is.
6. Don't use words like 'new interpretation', they make us nervous!
If you want to make a new interpretation of a famous superhero who we all know and love, then why don't you just invent your own and leave our favorites alone?
7. Don't start thinking about sequels until you have finished the first one
More and more often, first movies are used as just the introduction for what is supposed to be a whole series of movies. Everybody involved with The Fantastic Four used to say that all the time, and it pisses us off. Because what if you make a movie about our favorite superhero, and it's not so good because you just wanted to establish the setting, and it turns out nobody is really interested in it and it doesn't make any money, because it didn't have any depth.
8. Don't start hyping the movie before you greenlight it
This is really cruel of you. In order to drum up interest in your movie as early as possible, so the fans can start buzzing about it, you just throw around names of superheroes you have bought the rights of, without actually having done anything with it yet. And in most of these cases, nothing will ever happen. Where is the Flash-movie? Aquaman? Watchmen? On second thought, maybe you should just leave that last one alone. Remember how you murdered League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?
9. Don't make the movies too serious
Yeah yeah yeah, I know that you love to portray superheroes as lonely, tortured souls, and sometimes we dig that kind of story. But we also read comic books because they are fun, you know? We want great visuals, big fights and spectacular action scenes. We don't want angsty psycholigical babble. I hope you won't mess up The Hulk a second time...
10. Treat Wonder Woman with respect
I'm serious. We let Catwoman slide because Batman Begins was so cool, but if you also mess up Wonder Woman, there will be thousands of angry fans at your door, and things won't be pretty. So: leave the costume alone, don't let Sandra Bullock play her (no disrespect for her, but she just isn't Wonder Woman), don't mess with her backstory and don't mess with her costume. Yeah, I know I said that last thing twice, but it's important that she does not just look majestic and beautiful, but she's also supposed to be hot, get it? I mean, even Superman is in love with her!
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You must be an extremely naive person with a very high opinion of himself if you think your tedious and vapid tips haven't been considered or that they could in any way be constructive. I almost fell asleep reading them. What kept me awake was my amazement that anybody could be so arrogant and tedious at the same time. Still, from a country with Bush as President, your dribble shouldn't surprise anyone. What devil spawn created you - the right wing of conservative comic book readers? Try a novel (a book without pictures) or crawl under your alter of comics, read them again, this time in a mirror and report back on all the hidden messages. Your one salient point is that film companies should invent their own superhero. Even though your reason was only so as not to disturb the sanctity of the comic church I still believe a superhero in USA would be a good idea. Why not one that's against execution and imprisonment of children and the mentally challenged? One who believes the rest of the world might have a point when they wish to stop the ice-caps melting, who doesn't think invading any oil bearing countries under any pretext whatsoever is always for the best, (so every american can afford to buy and run a suv/tank), and to make it interesting why not make the hero black and gay as well. I was thinking we could call him or her The President. A total fantasy feature of course.
Posted by: Mikkel McAlinden | December 12, 2006 at 07:31 PM
I think those tips are an excellent formula for making hero movies! Our 'tips' guy is obviously a well read comic fan. Lets hope more Studios listen to such constructive opinions, because he is right on!
Posted by: T | May 16, 2007 at 04:46 PM